How to Give Feedback in a Non-Offensive Manner

Many people tell me that when they make unsolicited comments that are intended to improve a situation, they face harsh responses. They are perceived as critical, condescending, and demeaning. They end up feeling ashamed that they made a mistake or that others are mad at them. They are in constant fear that they hurt someone. No matter how unintentional the comments were, they still blame themselves and are preoccupied with finding ways to shut and suppress their natural instincts to help. Their needs to help navigate, correct, guide or provide advice or feedback are suppressed. They describe their behavior as "I put my foot in my mouth," and "I need to shut up," or I "feel so ashamed."

These situations happen daily and everywhere. Some examples include:

• - At the gym, when one sees an individual who is working out in a way that might put him or her at risk for injuries,
• - At work, when one observes a coworker behaving in a way that might jeopardize his or her job or,
• - In school, when one notices classmates making mistakes that might put them at a disadvantage.

When people choose to offer advice or alert others, they often face a dilemma. Should they provide valuable unsolicited advice that will benefit others or remind themselves that in the past their advice was not perceived in a positive way? Many times, they decide to stay away from intervening. However, after a while, their natural instincts to help kick in. They go against their own decisions and provide the advice anyway. They perpetuate this vicious cycle of giving unsolicited advice, face harsh responses, feel bad, make decisions, and break their decisions and so on.

How can one break this cycle?

1. Look internally and acknowledge one's strengths. Value your ability to observe, your attention to details and your need to help or share this valuable information with others. Your intentions are good and your opinions matter. Others will benefit from your advice.
2. Assess the manner in which you would like to give your input. Would you like to address the other person directly or ask someone else? For example, at the gym, would you address another gym member directly, or ask a trainer or a professional to assist in giving the feedback?
3. Formulate what and how you would like to give your feedback.

Use the sandwich approach:

• - Acknowledge and recognize the good intention and efforts that people put into the activity
• - Ask if they would like to hear your opinion
• - Provide your feedback; explain the reason and the value of your observation while substantiating it with evidence. If you can, give examples.
• - Accept the outcome even if your opinion is not well received
• - Know that your intention was noticed and that your intention mattered

What happens if you already provided input and it was perceived in a negative way? People accuse you of hurting them and in turn, they criticize and attack you. Now you face an additional challenge. You not only defend the way your feedback was given, but you must also explain the content of your feedback.

Here are some tips to navigate around it:

1. Be proud of your observation and your caring attitude. Remember that you are unique and particular in your observation. The wellbeing of the other person matters to you.
2. Ask questions to clarify why this person is upset with you. Validate feelings and empathize with the other person. You do not need to necessarily agree on the content of the feedback, but make sure that you apologize in a genuine way if needed. Especially apologize, if it is about the manner in which it was given. Promise to rephrase. For more examples, please read my How to Manage Criticism Guide.
3. Go back to step three (see above) for giving feedback and start over.

It takes time and practice to provide input in a non-offensive manner. When successful, we are free, feel that our voices matter, and we are valued.

Now, let's practice:

1. Recall a time when feedback that you had given was not well received. Remember that event, which left you feeling ashamed and guilty for hurting someone else. What were your thoughts then?
2. What would you have done differently now?
3. How would you give feedback now?

As always, I am here to listen, talk or consult with. I am looking forward to hearing from you. therapy@orlykatz.com

How to Change a Bad Habit

Many people complain that they have habits that disrupt their lives, which hurt them or others. They label these habits as bad and would like to change them. Examples include inappropriate expression of anger or annoyance, eating too much junk food, smoking, sitting and watching TV or sitting on the computer for many hours a day. There are endless habits that we do daily without even noticing. Some habits, however, cause us shame and guilt, low self-esteem, low confidence or other negative reactions. They hurt us or our loved ones and test our relationships.

What do we mean then when we say that we have a habit, how is it created and why?

A habit is a behavior that is acquired and repeated over and over without thinking. A habit is an automatic behavior that is usually triggered by an event, location, time or feeling. This specific behavior results in a satisfactory outcome.

When triggered by anger or annoyance we might express it inappropriately and will be temporarily satisfied, feel in charge and powerful.

When triggered by boredom we might eat junk food and temporarily feel satisfied, calm and in a better mood.

When triggered by stress we might sit for many hours to watch TV, go on the computer or smoke. These habits may result in reduced stress.

We identify habits as "bad" when we notice that our behavior is hurting us or others. It might be triggered by a need to reduce stress, feel strong, validated or break out of boredom. It might result in a satisfactory outcome, but the behavior in which we achieved it has a damaging effect in the long run.

We are often aware of the need to change this behavior. We repeatedly try to change it, often successfully for a while and then the process repeats itself. We go back to the "bad habit" and attempt to change it.

The process then starts with a trigger that alerts us of our needs, leading us to a specific automatic behavior that results in a satisfactory outcome.

When we look at changing a "bad habit," we look at changing only the behavior that has the potential to damage us in the long run. We are aware that we are stressed out, we are aware that we need to change our attitude and we are aware that we are bored. These are all healthy triggers or alerts where we need to take actions to protect ourselves or get our wishes. We wish to get satisfactory outcomes such as feeling calm, not stressed, friendly and pleasant to others or not bored.

Awareness of our needs and wishes, changing only the behavior to get our intended wishes and satisfactory outcome is a key to changing a bad habit and it is often successful. When we are aware that we are stressed out and adopt other healthier behavior that result in the calmness which we desired in the first place, we have a better chance of being successful. When we are aware that we are bored and replace smoking or watching TV for hours with exercising, talking to friends or reading to get the calmness that we desired, we have a better chance for success.

We repeat this replaced behavior until it is an automatic behavior. When we maintain a healthy reaction to the trigger without stopping to think or plan, we have a better chance of being successful. This process might take weeks or months, but the changed behavior is more permanent.

However, unexpected setbacks impede even the most automatic positive and successful behavior and send us right back to the old negative acquired behavior. We doubt ourselves, start thinking and try to find other solutions to get the same desired satisfactory outcome.

There are two actions that can help us move past setbacks: strong support system like friends and family, and support groups or communities with same interest and strong self-belief in our abilities.

1. The support system can remind us that we had already accomplished it in the past and believe in our abilities. They will celebrate small wins with us and together will help us face the challenges of setbacks.

2. Individual beliefs in our strengths, taking inventory of similar setbacks and how we got past it will remind us of our power and resources.

Here are the steps that we can take to replace a bad habit:

1. Awareness; define the bad habit that you wish to change and why. What is the impact of the bad habit on your life and your loved ones?
2. Observe and find the triggers that alert you of the need to change.
3. Pay attention to the negative behavior that you wish to change.
4. Identify and determine what your satisfactory outcome is.
5. Make a list of possible behaviors that can replace the negative ones, test them and find the best alternative for you.
6. Whenever you are triggered, repeat the learned positive behavior until it is automatic. This process might take weeks or months.
7. Plan for setbacks; establish a strong support system and self-belief.

Let's practice:

1. Define your specific habit that you want to change and determine why you want to change it.
2. Write down your triggers, negative behavior and satisfaction outcome.
3. Make a list of possible positive behaviors to replace negatives.
4. What do you anticipate as your setbacks and how do you plan to overcome them?

As always, I am here to listen, talk or consult with. I am looking forward to hearing from you. therapy@orlykatz.com

How to Find Peace of Mind

Many of us are in constant search for happiness. I often hear comments like “I want to feel whole,” or “I do not want to keep searching or working to find happiness.”

What does it mean to be happy? Is it the state of a constant one mood over another, does it mean that you are never sad, depressed, stressed out or having negative feelings?

Peace of mind is a state of strength. This could mean that you have found a foundation for equilibrium and stability, confidence and trust in your ability to overcome challenges and your ability to be resourceful and proactive. When you have peace of mind you have the strength and the skills to empower and protect yourself and maintain stability. Peace of mind leads to happiness.

How can you find peace of mind that will lead to happiness?

There are physical and mental strengths that are within your control. There are steps that you can take and pay attention to, so that you can gain the skills that will lead to achieving and maintaining your happiness. The skills that you build, will help you face and cope with challenges that are not always within your control.

The steps that we would like to take are:

1. First, define what it means for you to have peace of mind. Create an awareness of your wish to improve and make a difference in your life.
2. Second, assess the things that you might want to change or maintain, naming the “what.”
3. Third, write a plan actions, naming the “how.” Make your own individual plan. The plan might include daily activities such as sleep, movement, nutrition, gratitude or any other activities that are unique to you.
4. Re-assess the process periodically and adjust.

Here are some tips on how to go about the plan:
Sleep- Improving sleeping habits and maintaining a good night’s sleep is critical for our mental health. Studies show that if sleep is interrupted throughout the night, overtime, people become depressed and often dysfunctional. Some tips to improving sleep include:

-Making sure to give yourself ample time to sleep. The average recommended time is between seven to nine hours. Start preparing an hour before going to bed. Develop a cue that will remind you to start preparing for bed.

Create a conducive bedroom environment: cooler temperature, clean uncluttered bedroom, a comfortable bed and no interruptions. Think in terms of a five-star hotel suit. Your bedroom is a place that is yours for the night, where you are pampered and taken care of.

Establish healthy sleep habits and a routine that you are comfortable with. Give yourself ample time to unwind, eat and exercise up to two hours before going to bed, read or write. Listen to calming music or podcasts. Think in terms of putting your child to bed. Treat yourself well.

Movement- It is said that sitting for many hours is as dangerous to our health as is smoking. Studies show that people in Japan, Tibet or parts of Italy live longer because they walk and move a lot. They sit down and get up frequently, they prefer walking, hiking or biking over driving and incorporate movement into their daily activities.

Make movement a priority. Play and dance, have fun. Think in terms of a celebration.

Join a gym, block time to exercise and make it a habit and an ongoing activity. Prepare your gym bag in advance. For example, assemble clothes, a water bottle, headphones and material to read or listen to and put them into your bag well before you go to the gym. Plan your activities or exercise. Think in terms of a session with an experienced professional personal trainer. Treat yourself well!

Nutrition- Reports and recent studies show that there is a strong correlation between our diet and health. More specifically, our diets could contribute to particular inflammatory processes in the body and other illnesses and symptoms such as depression, anxiety or stress.

The concept of “mindful eating” is on the rise and considered to be a core value. Mindful eating is the awareness of how, where and what we eat. It is the daily activity that gives us the key to our health.

Read and get information on healthy food, replacements for junk food, new recipes and new ways to prepare healthy food. Make a weekly meal plan and know the quality and quantity of your food consumption.

When it comes to mindful eating, prepare your environment. Block time to have a meal in a calm environment, set up the table and sit down. Take your full blocked time to eat and listen to calming music. Enjoy the activity, taking one bite at a time and cherishing the taste. Think in terms of a patron in an upscale restaurant. Treat yourself well.

Gratitude- Start a gratitude journal. Pay attention throughout the day to things, situations or events that make you feel good, positive, and happy. Examples may include smelling flowers, a stranger complimented or smiled at you, and maybe you witnessed or made an act of kindness. Before going to sleep, write it down. Make a list of at least three things and read the list out loud. Make it a habit to look for the positives. Write and read them so that you can feel grateful for having the wealth of positives in your life. In time you will notice a pattern of items on your list that are recurrent. You will gain knowledge of yourself and of your own unique ways for lifting your mood and calming yourself down.

Think in terms of a researcher who collects data for the purpose of improving life. Treat yourself well.

The art of achieving peace of mind is an ongoing process, where once a habit forms, it becomes easier to maintain and refine.

Now let’s practice:

1. How do you define peace of mind for yourself?
2. How do you assess your needs and wishes? What are the things that you can work on so that you will get closer to your optimal wish? Make a list of these things.
3. Based on your list, develop a plan and timeline. Be aware of setbacks. Be kind to yourself.
4. Re-assess periodically and change if needed.

As always, I am here to listen, talk or consult with. I am looking forward to hearing from you. therapy@orlykatz.com

How to Deal with Difficult People

Many clients tell me that they are repeatedly upset, angry or frustrated with other people. We often characterize "the other people" as difficult people. In fact, we all encounter difficult people throughout our lives. Sometimes we deal with them on a daily basis and sometimes we interact with them less often. Who are these people and why are we so bothered by them?

Defining a difficult person is subjective and depends on many factors. A difficult person for us or our immediate group does not mean that this person is perceived by others the same way. They can be family members, friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbors and anyone in our circle of network.

We define a difficult person by the way they are related to us and by the way they affect us. Difficult people bring us down, let us feel bad about ourselves or our loved ones and even make us uncomfortable. It is difficult for us to deal with them and manage or regulate our emotions when we engage with them. The interaction may be repetitive and we often believe that there will be no change even when we try.

Generally, we use five categories to describe difficult people:

1. The criticizers- these are the people who emotionally attack. They will catch us off guard and put us down, sometime in public and humiliate us. They will find faults during every step of the way and look at every opportunity to criticize us. They are usually angry, bossy and untrusting.
2. The negatives- these are the downers. They will down play every situation, complain incessantly and burden you with their unhappiness.
3. The monopolizers- these are the "take charge, take over" people. They will steer the conversations and situations to benefit their own agendas, usually come off as "know it all," stubborn or force "my way or no way." We eventually give in.
4. The users- These are the people who will take advantage of you, gossip behind your back or drop you when they do not need you anymore. They pretend to care about you.
5. The one uppers- these are the people that are in constant competition with you. They are busy showing off and letting you know that they are better than you.

Here are some examples to illustrate interactions with difficult people.

Let's try to identify them. Which category will you assign them to?

How do you manage your interactions with them? What are the strategies that you can use?

1. Keep perspective. Define why you see this person as difficult and assess why it is bothering you. What will happen if you make a conscious decision to ignore that person? Will it make a difference?

   If your boss criticizes you, will it make a difference how you react? It probably will. Develop a plan to manage criticism in a way that will not affect your mental health and your job (you can refer to my guide: how to manage criticism).

   If your best friend keeps criticizing you over your clothes, will it matter if you get angry?

2. Make sure to calm down (learn breathing techniques or other quick ways to relax) so you can think clearly and can be proactive instead of reactive. If possible, try not to reply immediately. One breathing technique that I use is the 5:5:5:5 technique. First, inhale through your nose to the count of 5. Then, hold your breath to the count of five, exhale through your mouth to the count of five and hold your breathing to the count of five. Use your fingers to count and focus on your breathing and counting. Repeat these steps several times until you feel less stressed or upset.
3. Empathize with difficult people by asking them questions such as, why are you angry? What do you mean by saying that? Try to understand their perspectives and validate them if possible. Very often, people who are being difficult need attention and will let go if you show empathy. Show them that you see beyond their expression and care about them.
4. Direct, steer the interaction your way, set time or limit topics and set boundaries (you can refer to my guide: How to set boundaries). Ignore, or distance yourself from the difficult person.

   Examples could be,
   "Mom, let's get back to our discussion about……what is your opinion here?
   Or,
   "I understand that you have some issues with… and that it is upsetting for you. Is there a way for you to talk with the boss directly?"
   And,
   "I will be happy to help you. I am caught up in this project now and will probably finish by… Can I help you then?"

5. Re-assess and see if you interact and feel better when approached by a "former difficult person." Adjust your strategy if it is needed.

Now, let's practice:

1. How do you define difficult people? Think of one person whom you consistently have a negative interaction with.
2. In what way do interactions with this person affect you?
3. What strategy will you use to avert the negative interaction?
4. What did you learn from your re-assessment and were you able to improve or change the way you felt?

As always, I am here to listen, talk or consult with.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.

How to find the right balance in life

Many people tell me that they have difficulty finding the right balance between work, home and other needs, wishes and daily activities. Many come up with a "to do" list that is often endless and keeps growing

I often hear comments such as:

"I want to come home and spend quality time with my partner and kids, but there is so much to do."

"I want to be able to just relax, just be, but I can't. Everyone needs me."

"He says he spends time with us, but he is always on his phone"
or
"I cannot take one more thing on myself, I work so many hours a week."

Most of these comments convey a need or desire. We try to juggle between these responsibilities and duties, desires and wishes. We are in constant pursuit of happiness and fulfillment for us and for our loved ones. When one need is lacking, we feel deprived or guilty and the pursuit leaves us frustrated, exhausted and drained. No matter what we do, how hard or long we try, we have a sense of failure and imbalance.

We typically divide the areas in which we struggle to balance into five different themes. Each theme is equally important and at times more difficult to achieve. They are:

1. Self-time-
   This includes the awareness of taking care of our bodies and involves need for physical activity, movement, nourishment and emotional being or our mental health.
2. Spiritual being-
   This is our core belief, faith or other spiritual activity such meditation, journaling, yoga or appreciating the beauty of nature or art.
3. Family and friends-
   This involves our need for belonging, caring for our loved ones, socially interacting with people and cultivating friendships.
4. Work-
   This gives us the sense of our own accomplishment and passion, feeling of importance, empowerment and fulfillment. We can know and recognize our strengths and talents.
5. Surrounding-
   This directs our need to team up, connect with others for a purpose, to give, contribute and to have an active role in making a change.

How can we find a much desired balance and stop the running around and juggling?

Finding a balance is an ongoing process. This takes time and patience to master, before feeling more comfortable with it. Embrace a positive attitude and be open minded. Along the way you may need to re-assess your approach and change it periodically.

Following these five steps will make the process more manageable:

1. Initially, you might want to look at the meaning of balance for you personally. We each have different life experiences and different needs. We define balance differently. Make your own list of themes and decide which one needs more of your attention.
2. Once a week look at your themes, set goals and priorities. Then, plan your schedule. Goals, priorities and plans are the core to the foundation of your schedule. Estimate how long you usually spend on each theme every day or week and create a schedule. Block times for each theme and put it in your schedule. Blocks could involve family time, work, social engagements, me time, community events, spirituality etc.
3. Make a detailed "to do" list for each theme.
   Some examples include:

• Work- specific projects, deadlines, meetings or presentations
• Home- calls or errands to run and other household chores
• Family- quality time with your loved ones
• Friends- shared activities or social interactions
• Spirituality- specific activities that contribute to your spiritual being, such as meditation, journaling, faith, yoga, nature or art
• Self-time- gym or exercise plan, relaxation time or list of hobbies to pursue

The list could be long, but it will be easy to sort out once you keep practicing.

4. Take a look at obstacles for each item on the "to do" list and decide if and how you can overcome them. Can you delegate, postpone, eliminate or strategize differently?

Some examples include:

Work-
Break projects into small tasks. Take breaks every 30-45 minutes and limit or make time for "distractions." Set boundaries (you can refer to my previous guide on how to set boundaries).

Home- Delegate and decide on who is responsible for making important calls or errands, get help or experiment with when and how you handle household chores.

Family- Decide how you would like to spend quality time with your family and follow through. You can do this by putting your phone aside, being present, playing or having conversations with your loved ones.

Friends- Surround yourself with people who support you and stay away from people who bring you down. Here too, you can learn to say "no" and set boundaries.

Self-time- Plan fulfilling activities that will energize you and schedule guilt-free breaks.

5. At the end of the week, re-assess what went well, what did not go the way you anticipated and what can you learn from it or improve upon in the following week. The process of finding a balance in life requires patience, practice and constant re-assessing. Make sure to leave room for spontaneity and setbacks. While this might feel like a daunting task in the beginning, you will feel more accomplished, more productive and efficient when you follow your plan. This will help you gain better perspective and appreciation for things that you value the most.

Now, let's practice:

1. How do you define your balance? What are your personal themes?
2. What are your "block themes" and how can you schedule your week?
3. What is your "to do" list for this week?
4. What are the obstacles that you can predict that will hold you back and how will you overcome them?
5. What did you learn from your re-assessment and were you able to improve or change?

As always, I am here to assist you, consult with or to listen.
I am looking forward to hearing from you!

How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Very often, we feel unappreciated by others. We could feel taken for granted, taken advantage of or disrespected. When it continues, we develop resentment, stress, low self-esteem and self-disrespect.

In fact, this happens every day, everywhere and with people that are close and dear to us. Here are some examples that people are often challenged with:

Work:
Your boss calls or e-mails you long after work hours or expects you to finish projects on time, disregarding the amount of time you have already spent on them. You might not boss be valuing your time.

Home:
Friends or family show up unannounced just as you are sitting down for dinner, expecting you to pay attention to them. They show no respect for your time and space.

Relationship:
Your significant other goes through your personal stuff without your permission.

Friendship:
Your friend asks for your help even though they know you cannot help your friend right then. Or, your friend insists on discussing a topic that makes you uncomfortable. Many times we do not have a clear answer. We are afraid of confrontations and rejections, or feel guilty about saying no. As a result, we numb our discomfort and go along with the demands. In essence, we are enabling the people who put us in these positions to violate our space, time, thoughts, opinions and emotions. We allow people to continue with this behavior without setting limits or even telling them how we feel.

At one point our discomfort pushes us to set limits or establish guidelines in order to show others how we would like to be treated. By doing so, this frees us from feeling guilty and lets us feel equal in relationships. We find our voices and respect ourselves. Setting boundaries takes time and effort, it is an ongoing process.

Let's look at the steps that we can take:

The first step is awareness. Identify your discomfort. What happened to you that made you feel uncomfortable? Reflect on your values and recognize the violations of your values. For example, if your boss calls you in the middle of dinner with your family (time that you value) you can look at this as disrespecting your values. Here, you see the need to establish boundaries and set limits.

The second step is to make a decision with regard to limits. What is the extent of your limits and is it okay to sometimes be flexible and to allow crossing those limits? Third step is to make a plan. Think about what you want to say and write in your message. Practice until you are comfortable. It takes time to feel at ease when setting boundaries, but with practice it can be done. The message should be concise without much explanation and focusing on one limit at a time with clear expectations. A Simple "no" is sometimes enough.

Some examples below, show how this can be done.

What to say to your boss: "I am having dinner with my family. Let's meet tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM and we can discuss this issue then."

When people show up unannounced: "I am having dinner now. Please call me next time before coming, so that you can get my undivided attention."

Relationships: "Please do not go through my stuff. Next time please ask me first."

Friendships: "Sorry, I can't do it" or "I do not wish to talk about this topic."

There are times when stating limits only once is not enough. Expect resistance and do not let that deter you. This might take several times, or you might need to add consequences.

Setting boundaries is a challenging task, but when accomplished, it is empowering. Setting limits can reduce stress, boost your self-esteem and self-respect.

Let's practice:

1. Recall a situation which you encountered in the last few weeks, when you felt uncomfortable and boundaries were crossed; one situation that stood out from the rest and kept you thinking about it for days after.

What was your core value? Why were you uncomfortable and why was it crossing boundaries? How did you respond then?

2. How would you respond now?

I am looking forward to hearing from you!

How to Manage Criticism

Very often we find ourselves subjected to criticism of some type.
Some of the comments are constructive, said in factual, helpful manner. We tend to agree with these and we are more motivated to take the steps to improve.

Some comments are unclear or said in a confusing, contradicting way. We can ask for clarification and decide if this is constructive or non-constructive criticism.

Unlike the constructive comments I mentioned above, some comments do not readily appear as useful, and may even be manipulative, ill meaning, harsh and meant to hurt. These comments from non-constructive criticism and often contain words such as: never, always, everyone and you. They are accusatory and leave us frustrated and hurt. We often feel that we need to defend ourselves instead of focusing on improvement.

Let's look at some examples of non- constructive criticism and figure out ways to manage them in a way that will minimize the hurt. Father to his son: “maybe you will figure out your life when you are forty. Look at your brother, he is younger than you and he has already made it." Supervisor to her employee: "You always spend too much time on details and you do not get the pressing things done. We keep losing clients because of you. What if everyone in this agency did that? We would have to close down."

When we hear these comments we first react with emotions. We get upset, hurt and feel that we were wronged.
How can we manage the hurt and the criticism?

The first step we take is to be aware of our reaction and separate emotions from actual facts.
Next, let's analyze only the facts and decide which technique to use.

There are several techniques that we can use when we respond to non-constructive criticism. To use the above examples:

1. To some degree technique-Acknowledge some of the facts and ignore the rest.
"I am still figuring out my life."
"I spend time on details."

2. Most likely technique- Figure out some facts that you can most likely agree on and still feel comfortable with.
"Yes, you are right. My brother has made it."
"Yes, you are right. I may have spent more time on details."

3. In general technique- Generalize the prediction.
"Some people figure out their life at the age of forty"
"If all of us paid too much attention to details, then yes, the firm would close down."

It takes time, patience and mainly practice to manage criticism. When successful, we are less angry, more peaceful and calm.

Let's practice:

1. Recall a non-constructive criticism that you faced in the past few weeks. One that stood out from the rest and kept you thinking about it for days later. What was your response then?

2. Using one or more of these techniques, how would you respond now?

I am looking forward to hearing from you.