Five Ways to Get Along with Your Partner’s Family During the Holidays

12-22-2017

By Orly Katz, LCPC at Everyday Counseling and Coaching Services

With the holidays approaching, many of us will find ourselves traveling and visiting family. For some of us, that means traveling back to our hometown and spending time with the people we grew up with. For others, it means visiting your partner’s family - sometimes for the first time.

While the experience of spending a holiday with a new group of people can be joyous and thrilling, it can also bring about stress, tough feelings, and new styles of celebrating. Everyone wants their holiday to be meaningful, but visiting a new home comes with its own set of expectations and realities.

What are yours?

Do you hope for smiling faces? A picture-perfect holiday? A table full of warmth and love? Or do you just hope to be included, welcomed by your partner’s family?

Do you accept the reality of this visit, that it may be stressful, busy, and require lots of preparation? Do you accept that there may be family disputes, different traditions and values than your own, or even the risk of not being accepted by your partner’s family?

How will you manage it?

• Give yourself permission to

  feel, assess, and wish

  . Not every moment will be comfortable, but accepting this and creating hope for what will go well can help to relieve the stress this causes.
• Get your partner on board. Talk with them in advance about your hopes for the visit. Discuss topics like boundaries, what your partner can do to make the visit more comfortable for you, and how your partner can support you before, during, and after the visit.
• With your partner, develop a plan for the visit. Have them take the mystery out of what you should expect by having them share family traditions and dynamics. Discuss and evaluate options in the event a family member oversteps a boundary or if you feel out of place.
• Practice your plan with your partner. Have them think about specific situations that have come up during past holidays and role play those scenarios. Will a certain relative ask inappropriate questions? Is there a family member with a bad habit you may be confronted with? Be prepared by discussing and planning for these in advance.
• Take the time to connect with your partner. They may be the only person you’ve met prior to the visit – make the effort to develop your own language and jokes before you visit family. Remember that if nothing else, they are your source of inclusion and love.

With planning, preparation, and reasonable expectations, your visit with your partner’s family CAN be a success. It’s all about what you and your partner are willing to work and hope for from that time.

We Attract What We Are

11-24-2017

By Jennifer Novak, Social Media and Content Director

When we go through the process of finding a partner, we are bound to have some ideas around the kind of person we would like to be with. Some of these qualities might include the physical attractiveness of the other person, their values, their beliefs, or their interests. Oftentimes, we desire to be with someone who is in sync with ourselves – someone who shares a similar mindset about life that we do.

What’s important to keep in mind is that when we go about trying to find that ideal partner, we need to keep our vision of who they are in mind. This is true for a multitude of reasons – we can lose sight of our ideal partner if we do not envision them clearly; we can find ourselves “settling” out of a fear of loneliness; or, we can find our own values shifting based on being with a person that finds us attractive – we can bend ourselves to the needs of another person.

In the below video, Bob Proctor talks about the importance of mapping your ideal partner in terms of the law of attraction – that is, by envisioning your partner and living life as if they are already in your life, that you will eventually attract that person to you. Take a look below and pay careful attention to the concept of mapping your partner – the act of listing out the qualities that you would want to see in the person with whom you hold a relationship.

Let’s walk through the exercise completed in this video together. Start by drawing your own circle and lines outside of it. While Proctor provides some great ideas for the qualities we would probably want to see in a partner, each of us are unique and place different values on different things. Consider for yourself the qualities that YOU most desire in a partner – what does that person believe? What are their values? How do they choose to spend their time, both with you and on their own? Draw as many lines as you would like and be as specific about these qualities as you can.

Now, let’s take a moment to stop the exercise. We’re going to explore something that came up in the video briefly, but it’s something I think deserves quite a bit more attention. Think about the people who have most recently come into your life – those with whom you’ve had a relationship that ended for one reason or another. What qualities do they share with your ideal person? What qualities differ?

The point here is this: We attract what we are. While we may desire a specific type of partner, ultimately who we will be most attracted to us are those who are innately similar to us. Those qualities in your ideal partner that your past partners don’t share, the things that you do not want to see in the person you end up with in the long-term? That’s the stuff we have to look inward upon – something about those qualities appear in ourselves and attract those who harmonize with them.

This is where we depart from imagining a relationship and we start imagining our ideal self. While this technique is beneficial for bringing a potential partner into our life, it’s also a tool for mapping out the things about ourselves that we will need to address before that ideal person will appear and before we are ready to have a relationship with that person.

Look at the comparison of lists – ideal partner qualities versus past partner qualities – and pick out three that seem to differ the most. Do these negative qualities in past partners shed light on things about yourself that you would like to improve in? Do they indicate a trend in who has been attracted to you? If so, you have a starting point – clear goals for self-improvement that you can implement with dedication and planning.

The work involved will be dependent on what kinds of traits you selected – article topics all on their own. But by having a clearer starting place, and giving yourself permission to reflect and accept the truth that this comparison of partners provides, you are moving through the early stages of a path that can bring you both self-fulfillment and meaningful connection to a future partner.

Finding Inspiration in Mindfulness

11-15-2017

By Jennifer Novak, Social Media and Content Director

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the time to step away from the busyness of everyday life, to create moments in which we allow ourselves to be immersed only in the present. We call this the gift of mindfulness. But why is mindfulness such a gift and why it is so helpful to create space for it in our daily routines?

It’s because mindfulness allows us to slow down the worries and trappings that our mind engages in when we focus on things other than the present or when we are too focused on what we must do versus what we are doing. Consider this: When we aren’t focused on just experiencing the present for what it is, where do our minds go?

For some, we plan – we think about our to-do list, the things we are concerned about over the coming days or weeks; or, perhaps we fear an unknown future. For others, our minds wander back to memories – the regrets, that “what-ifs.” While there is value in reflection, and there is certainly value in being prepared, a total focus on these keeps our minds away from a place of rest, of simply existing and appreciating the moment we are living in. It can be productive at times, but also exhausting.

When we allow ourselves to immerse in only the present, without intention or a goal of what must be done, we give our cognition a deserved break. We allow our mind, our emotions, and our body, a chance to recharge and refocus. These moments allow us to be better equipped to face our challenges, our to-dos – they re-energize us and allow us to move closer to attaining the things that give us purpose.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on where you are at today. Right now, in this present moment, where are your thoughts leading? What sensations is your body experiencing? Take a breath and pause, giving yourself the time to reflect on these experiences. Then, give yourself permission to take a break and watch the following, a Ted Talk delivered by the eclectic Tao Porchon-Lynch. We’ve selected this video because through the sharing of her story, Tao doesn’t just calm us – she also inspires.

One of the key takeaways from Tao’s life is a determination to focus wholly on what she can do, not what she can’t. It’s a lesson that we can reflect on once we’ve given ourselves the space to calm our minds. Ask yourself – how often do you find yourself focusing on the things you aren’t capable of versus the things you are? What feelings are attached to this: Shame? Fear? Regret?

In order to achieve peace, we must be able to move past our beliefs around our capabilities and shift our mindset to focusing on what we are able to achieve, of the goals that are possible. If this is something that you struggle with, consider the following techniques:

• Journal regularly as a way of centering: For those who struggle with controlling their thoughts, try stopping and reflecting as these thoughts arise throughout the day. Write down the thoughts when they occur, what caused them, and what you did to reframe your thinking.
• Mindfulness: At least once per day, review your journal. Once you’ve walked through the initial steps of centering, focus your attention on the issue of having these “I can’t” thoughts – process only those events and feelings, and allow yourself to accept that they happened. Don’t try to fix the issue – just reflect.
• Redirect negative thinking: As you grow more aware of negative thoughts and have equipped yourself to understand the impacts these have, start the work of reframing: When a negative thought arises, turn your cognitions instead toward the positive. For example, “I can’t lose weight because of my medical condition” can be reframed to, “I can make healthy choices with my diet and exercise as much as healthy for my unique body.”

Through the above, we can work to not just shift our thinking, but can also give ourselves the room we need to truly grow into more self-loving people. Mindfulness and inspiration alone aren’t enough – we must also make a commitment to engage in these and be willing to do the work required to create positive impacts on our lives.

Rethinking the Hard Times

10-11-2017

By Orly Katz, LCPC at Everyday Counseling and Coaching Services

When you look back upon your life, of the triumphs you’ve celebrated and the trials you’ve faced, what perception do you hold of the hard times? For many of us, we tend to gloss over or avoid thinking about the struggles we have experienced. This might be because these memories are too painful to face, that we hold a sense of shame over mistakes we have made, or that we feel compelled to focus only on the happy times.

In this video, we learn about another way to reflect on the hard times in life, on those times that changed us, marked us, or made us feel powerless. Take a look below to see this perspective explained.

This video does a beautiful job of sharing a new way of thinking about our “scars” – that they are not something to be ashamed of, but something to be celebrated. That if we imagine that the troubles we have gone through have actually made us stronger, that we are empowered to see the beauty in these experiences and feel pride in our ability to survive and grow.

Unfortunately, at least for some of us, we’ve already engrained beliefs about the hard times in our lives. Maybe we choose to ignore these experiences, pretend they didn’t happen, or minimize how they affected us. Let’s take a look at a method for shifting our perspective about our past and actively switching to finding the beauty in the negative events we have gone through.

1. Think about a time in your life that left a “scar” – an emotional wound that has stayed with you over the months or years. This might be a memory from childhood, a loss, a stressful event or time period. Hold onto that memory for a moment without judgement or analysis.
2. Now, walk yourself through that memory. What happened? How did you feel when it happened? What were your thoughts while this happened?
3. Think about the effects of this event – but instead of thinking of the negatives, what positives arose out of this? In what ways did you change, cope, survive? What gifts has that growth in yourself bestowed on you since this event? Make a list of these and make sure they are sincere.
4. Next, share gratitude. This may not happen right away and that’s okay. If it doesn’t, engage in this process a few more times, always focusing on the gifts of the event until you feel in your heart true thankfulness for what happened because of these positive impacts.
5. Finally, fill the “scar” with gold – accept that the event happened and that it has shaped who you are. That this event, no matter how painful at the time, has changed who you are for the better and given you an experience that prepared you for what was to come in your life.

As you fill your scars with gold, know that it can be painful and hard. Thinking about the past can bring out unexpected feelings. Take your time and know that this growth, while difficult, can eventually restore your thinking about hard times and give you a sense of fulfillment over all that you’ve accomplished by living through them.

The Staircase That Is Anxiety

10-11-2017

By Orly Katz, LCPC at Everyday Counseling and Coaching Services

No matter how laid back you are, how accepting of the present moment, or how well you manage stress, everyone knows what it’s like to feel worry or to be anxious. While many of us feel these moments of anxiety for only short periods of time, for some, the feeling of anxiety never quite goes away. If you haven’t lived with chronic anxiety, it can be really hard to understand how debilitating this feeling can be and what impacts it can have on the life of the person suffering from it. In this post, we’ll share how you can support a loved one living through anxiety.

In the following video, we see a great example of what it can feel like to have anxiety, and how, sometimes, this “anxiety staircase” can become a tremendous obstacle for the person living with it:

This video shares some hard truths about anxiety. The first is that the person living with anxiety knows that what they are worried about is often irrational. That they can see what it would feel like to approach life without worry. Regardless of this knowledge, and this is one of the most important points made here, is that it is ALWAYS a struggle for the person with anxiety to get to a point where they do not feel it, where they are operating within the realm of rational thought.

What does this mean for those of us with a loved one who is experiencing anxiety? Take a look at the below tips for supporting someone dealing with this issue:

• Remember that the staircase is always there, but depending on the day, it might be much larger and steeper than it was before. This means that whatever issue is causing anxiety, some days this might be a small struggle and others an impossible one. It’s important not to tell the person with anxiety to simply get over this issue – they don’t have control over the size of that staircase.
• The top of the staircase is usually visible… but sometimes it may be clouded. When the person with anxiety seems unable to see the rational “landing,” gently remind them that this exists and that whether or not they reach it that day is okay.
• There will be days when the person with anxiety cannot climb the staircase. Maybe they’ve already tried and slid back down; maybe it is so overwhelming that they just can’t do it. Share your support with them, but don’t force them to do something they simply don’t have the mental energy to do.
• Celebrate the successes. When a person with anxiety does something they were previously unable to do (even a task that may seem simple to others), give positive reinforcement. This is the fuel that can encourage those living with anxiety to push themselves a bit further every day.

The Four Technologies of Magic: Getting Back to Our Roots

9-29-2017

If we look at the ways that our society functions and how we are expected to act and interact with others, it’s clear (at least in the western world) that we have ascribed to a set of values that are markedly different from the way in which we evolved. These values, the ways we strive to live our lives, include things like individualism, order, and rational thinking. But if we look back in the course of human history up until very recently, we see that this simply wasn’t the way we functioned. In fact, modern society forces our brains to operate in a way that is antithetical to how our forefathers thrived in the pre-industrial era.

In this video from TedX San Diego, speaker Martha Beck leads us on a journey through her thoughts on this, including the specific ways our modern world forces us to go against our nature and what she describes as the “four technologies of magic” – those techniques or skills that we can use to bring us closer to embracing the ways our ancestors solved problems.

Let’s consider some of the themes of this video and the four technologies themselves – how can we take these lessons and integrate them into the way we approach our own problem-solving process?

First, consider the idea that we evolved from chaos – that human beings survived and thrived in situations in which we needed to be engaged with all five of our senses equally. Compare this to what senses we have been taught to give attention to, and which subjects to focus on – instead of observing the world around us openly, we have been taught to focus on one thing at a time and only through those senses that can give us information about our subject. What if, instead of trying to work through our problems with this “tunnel-vision” approach, we tried opening up our senses more fully and let our unconscious brain do some of the work? This activity is described by the first technology – wordlessness, or moving away from the rational part of our brain and allowing ourselves to perceive the things around us more fully.

The next technology, oneness, is described as the understanding that we are all connected to each other; that our bodies are bundles of energy interacting with all the other bundles of energy around us. Through this acceptance, we can start to understand that we each have a purpose in the world, and that it is impossible to attempt to solve problems individually, because we are inseparable from the energy of others.

The third and fourth technologies are imagination and forming – that we are capable of imagining something that has never existed before and actually creating it. These magic technologies are what allowed our ancestors to thrive long before the assistance of modern tools. If we can accept that we are capable of both of these and practice these skills in our own lives, we too can see positive change through them.

As an example, let’s apply these to someone who experiences anxiety. It might be tempting to talk away the anxiety, to examine it rationally. And this might be effective to an extent. But if we apply the four technologies, how might coping with anxiety be different?

• Wordlessness: We pause and observe with our five senses the world around us, without passing the observations through our rational lens or trying to change things. This means simply feeling anxiety without trying to fix it.
• Oneness: We accept that our anxiety is part of our energy in the present moment, and this energy is connected to all of the other energy around us.
• Imagination: We take our observations and acceptance, and imagine a new reality – what would it feel like to not live with anxiety? How would we function? How would our days go?
• Forming: We take the steps needed to reach that imagined reality, either by living our life the way we wish to or completing tasks that get us closer to that.

Through the four technologies, we can move closer to living life in a way that brings us a more harmonious approach to how we see the world. Try some of these and consider how it changes your perception of the events and people around you.